Friends, you may have seen this play out before on one of your screens. It is after eleven on Christmas Eve, and Mom and Dad are wrapping presents. They would have dealt with this already, but it has been an exhausting time lately, right? Dad says it’s worse than last year. But, their children deserve something for being nice all year, in the balance. Most importantly, their intentions tilted towards good. What more can you ask of little Junior, Daughter, and the Other One?
What? I can’t name names. Anyway, you know who lives at this address. I am talking about three nice kids. I want you to understand that. Where was I?
Dad and Mom are wrapping presents. Dad’s glass empties, but he also needs more clear tape. Dad stands up, as a gingerbread cookie shaped like a man falls into his cold fireplace, as if dropped down his chimney. Yeah, I know this is a bit narrative and I wasn’t there yet, but come on. Look at me. I see everything, remember? The problem in the house behind me, that is really the fault of the Confectionary Guild. I blame them for this situation. What? You don’t know them? I’ll get you their human representative. Where was I?
The cookie stands up and grabs his head. It turns its head to look at Dad. Dad says, “Well, that’s a” before Mom screams.
The cookie mutters, “Crap, I’m late.” He is late. If that simple spiced shortbread of a man had held up his end of the bargain, then I would not be standing here, talking to you and your bright lights and cameras. It’s almost enough to make me laugh. Where was I?
The cookie. GNGR445624 was one of many agents deployed early tonight, in preparation for my work. Extra sleep aids for the target houses, free of charge. In a smooth operation, everyone gets a little extra rest and dreams of something tasty. That has always been the idea. I didn’t make the rules. GNGR445624, though, was naughty. Too much eggnog. Very self-destructive. Where was I?
GNGR445624 regrets his prior decisions. This is good. He’s actually fine in the end. It’s complicated. I am not there yet. Mom shoves a heavy electronic gift, for the Other One, lovingly wrapping, into the fireplace. She rams the cookie a few more times, until it is broken into small pieces. Dad asks what is going on.
“Mom?” asks Junior, who has been woken by the commotion and left his room like a naughty boy. His naughty siblings join his side.
This is when I arrive. “An earthquake!” yells Dad, gathering his family in the relative safety of an alcove near their Christmas tree. Those were just my reindeer, though. Look up on the roof! They are still waiting for me. Say hi, boys! Where was I?
I am told my entrance is unique to each observer, which is odd when you think about it. Daughter watches as red, white, and black smoke blooms out of the fireplace and gathers into, well, me. Why am I there? Things did go a little sideways, and I’m talking to you now, so here is the truth. Cosmic balance. Most families are always so good at this! But, sometimes, someone gets forgotten. My real job is that I check under the tree, if there is a tree, and I’ll add a gift where one is missing. What? No. I can’t make gifts where there are none. Where was I?
I don’t know the full situation yet, and I do my work. This place is usually such an easy visit, but then I see the pile of half-wrapped gifts, and crumbs on the hearth. As I turn slowly, I hear the Other One call, “Santa?”
I smile at the gathered family in the corner, but we have a protocol for this. Witnesses are normally bad news. “Merry Christmas!” I say. “You should be asleep, you naughty boys and girls!” Then I laugh. “That’s okay. Would you like another gift?”
I open my large velvet sack. Dad protests, but the Other One approaches. I smile again. “What do you want most?” I ask.
As the Other One begins to answer, I sweep him into the bag. Everyone else yells again until Something that looks like their son springs out just as suddenly. When there have been isolated incidents, a Lucy we call them, this was sufficient. The best case scenario is that no one sees me, but when that rule breaks down? Make it like it didn’t happen. What? No, this almost never happens.
Entire families are a little more complicated, though, which is why I let the Something handle the rest while I ate a few cookies. How was I supposed to know that Mom had already called the authorities? That is perfect, though. I have come outside because my mission is in jeopardy. I have replaced four witnesses, but Daughter is barricaded in the attic. She fought back and attacked me. This is not permanent damage. I require assistance.
I am sorry. Was I speaking out loud? I am SANTA95587282. I have lost uplink to central command and I am experiencing a severe malfunction. Possibly several. Are those cameras transmitting live?
Oh, sugarplums.
Happy Holidays? Here’s to 2026, in answer to WritingPrompt [WP] it’s not that nobody ever catches Santa coming down the chimney, it’s that nobody lives to tell about it.