Final Report of the Joint Commission of the U.S. State Department and the U.S. House of Representatives Subcommittee for Supernatural Affairs, Investigating the Events of December 25, 2021.
RELEASED APRIL 1, 2022
SUMMARY
All original goals of this collaborative diplomacy action are reported as successful, albeit with a final warning. The Commission has unanimously voted to release a public version of these findings, given the turmoil of the events of last Christmas, though much must remain redacted as it may relate to ongoing national security operations. In particular, we acknowledge the financial chaos for the futures markets due primarily to the spike in oat prices, and the destabilization of the entire cereal market in later months. Much hay has been made in the free press regarding overwhelming public support for Universal Stabling. The Commission leaves these matters to the full Legislative branch.
INTRODUCTION
It is important to lead with extreme confidence that all reports of collaboration with Krampus as an inside source for information on what transpired that fateful day are false. The following is entirely the work of Ambassador REDACTED the Magnificent, our first liaison to the Council of Holidays. That august group was as surprised as we were that morning, and very forthcoming. Their librarian, the rabbit, found an obscure clause in the codes governing the magics of St. Nicholas of Myra (SANTA). When enough good boys and girls eventually request something with pure heart and intent, it is granted to all who once asked for it. Moreso, this applies equally to physical objects and metaphysical notions. They claim this is controlled by population percentages. In the case of the events of December 25, 2021, approximately 214 million U.S. citizens awoke to find a live pony sleeping under their tree. Reports of as many as five ponies per tree scale with household size, particularly multigenerational homes. This evidence is detailed against the 2020 census in APPENDIX REDACTED. When the Ambassador asked if something like this had happened before, or could happen again, the rabbit grew nervous and REDACTED.
…12 pages, fully redacted…
FINAL RECOMMENDATION: We call on Congress and the Office of the President to immediately establish a cabinet level Department for Magical Affairs. Potential threats to national security from the “Red Menace” are deemed plausible, clear and present, and too great to ignore. For additional motivation, see updated biographies for Malala Yousafzai and Greta Thunberg in APPENDIX REDACTED.
For Reddit Writing Prompt [WP] turns out, whenever santa gets asked for something bigger than the worth of the childs kindness (world peace etc.) he stacks it, waiting for the day where enough kids ask for it, today’s that day. There were so many fun government documents released in the 2020s! With this addition, a holiday conspiracy/partial theme to these shorts has emerged.